A Letter To You

To You, the fleshy-human standing in the middle of the cleaning supplies closet of Michelle's Copier Emporium,

Despite what most humans think, haunting isn't really much of a game.

It isn't fun for wandering spirits to exactly wander the living realm. They do have other places that they want to be, after all.

Being dead opens up a wide range of possibilities for a soul that isn't chained to skin and bones.

But, every once in a while, there are a few wandering spirits that find themselves tethered to a single point. Houses, tunnels, a street, a forgotten park bench, your grandmother's greenhouse. These seemingly nondescript locations tend to house some form of emotional chain that keeps the "ghosts" from passing on. Humans thrive on positive and negative emotions because it is proof that they are among the living. Still alive and kicking.

This has an opposite effect on those without bodies. After all, what use are emotions to a dead guy? Infatuation (love), obsession, hate, grief, fear, a multitude of usually negative emotions have the ability to grip a spirit and weigh it down since it has no outlet for these . . . let's say, disturbances.

Cause you aren't human after you die.

[Fact: Spirits are objective beings.]

A subjective spirit, filled with negative human emotions is a volatile combination. This is where people get their unexplained cold temperatures in the middle of summer, rattling appliances on still nights, flickering lights, groaning floor boards in deserted hallways, levitating salt dispensers, that form you see in the corner of your eye in the dark. These are your classic poltergeists, shades, demons, wraiths, ikiryos, and other horror story fascinations.

They are the ones who keep all of those television ghost hunters in business.

These "volatile combination" ghosts get the most publicity. Movies, television shows, novels, newspapers, you name it. Most hauntings are few and far between, but they make such a huge impact on audiences that they seem to be more common than they actually are.

Volatile hauntings are rare.

Unknown hauntings are exceptionally rare.

Because, once every 500 Billion deaths (probably even more minuscule than that), there is that one soul that is stuck on the bench. There is nothing holding him back. No grudge to hold against naive, undeserving human beings. No destination in mind. He's just stuck there.

Days, years, and centuries blend and mash into an indeterminable fog. Life, living, and death passes him by and he can't really bring himself to care. In fact, there isn't much that he really does care about.

Except being left alone.

Ever try sitting on the bench of an unknown? You feel hot and cold, pins form under your skin, the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, blood rushes through constricted veins at break neck speed, and in all of two seconds you are feeling thoroughly violated. Like a deflated party balloon, stretched over a paperweight of The Thinker.

You move to another bench on the other side of town without even thinking about it. Maybe even consider visiting a few pubs along the way.

Or maybe you are sitting in the back of the library, where all of the water damage and termite colonies are hidden behind defective furniture and miss-printed copies of Gulliver's Travels. You're minding your own business and five minutes later you realize that someone is watching you.

But no one is there.

Not that it really matters at the time. You are still aware of someone-something focusing really hard on your back.

That would be another unknown who wants you to get the hell out of their territory (And, you will. Get the hell out of there, I mean).

We don't mean anything by it. It's simply our nature. The living have their world, spirits have their worlds, and unknowns have their space.

That being said, if you haven't already, be considerate and continue on your merry way. This is not a place where hormonally imbalanced teens such as you and your girlfriend/boyfriend can come to perform your private hanky-panky rituals (do people still use that word?).

Of course, unless you want an audience?

Not that I haven't seen this before.

And, you are doing it wrong.

Sincerely,

I Who Currently, and In the Definite Future, Presides in the Cleaning Supplies Closet of Michelle's Copier Emporium